Dive Bomb Away......if Only

Six Flags. *sigh* What a depressing place. All you see there are couples. They hug, they kiss, and they hold onto each other like they haven't another care in the world. And I sigh because none, none, NONE of that can play a part in my life. Why? Because I'm too chicken to step up and tell him how I feel. Well sure, he reads this so I KNOW he knows that I like him. But I don't know if it's the same as walking up and letting it all pour out. "I really need a girlfriend." He says that, and I want to shake him, tell him that I'm sitting right in front of him, sitting here thinking "If only...." But no, he doesn't get that. He doesn't think of me in that way. We are only friends, and it seems it's going to stay that way. *sigh* If only.....
The ride home was so....confusing. The night before this, I have it all planned out. Sit next to him the whole way back, it's dark, we're tired, I casually lay my head on his shoulder, feel his skin brush against mine everytime we hit a bump. Well....."Why can't anything ever be as it seems?" I don't know. I lay my head on the seat, so close to his shoulder.....then he lets me lay it there. My head sits there, right on his cool skin, wanting that moment to last a lifetime. But then he sits up. This happens again. Well then.....should I keep going for his shoulder, or just sit up, wake-up? Finally he sits up for good, and I wish I could be anywhere but there. Why was I so stupid as to think that he actually wanted me there, close to him, taking it all in? I'll tell you why. Because I'm trying to make something happen that doesn't want to happen, and all of this is my punishment. Well if I must say so.....this is worst than the timeout corner.
He calls. I want to cry at the sound of his voice because I can't let the phone ring, pick it up and say, "Hold on. That's my boyfriend."