My Life at the Moment...

Well now.....everything is just about great. For some reason, after he told me just exactly how he felt about me, it helped me to let all romantic feelings I had for him go. But, you see, it couldn't have been better. Now...we're the best of friends and that's just fine because it's the absolute best. *sigh* Yeah...
Jason...wow. We are talking more than we were before. It's nice...but I'm not sure what's wrong with him. He seems mad, or worried, or puzzled, or...something. I'm not sure, but all I can do is wait it out. hehehe He's so great.
Sarah and myself are the best we've been in many, many months. Her and Jake are dating, and gosh...he makes her so happy. There isn't the tension, or the anger that neither of us wanted to talk about. None of it was her fault, whatsoever, and so I think it's me that's REALLY changed. It was all bitter feelings on my part because she held his attention and I wanted to give anything for it. But now....none. I'm so happy for her and Jake. He is so nice, and I like him a lot. Sarah, rest assured that I approve. :)
Marcie Marcie Marcie....I'm not sure about her. I love her to death, but something has been bothering her for so long, and I don't know how to help her. I feel that all I can do is be a good friend, and to let her know that I'm here. Marcie, I'm here, and I'm trying to be a good friend. Your sad times are hard, but our happy times are unforgettable. I love you I love you I love you....sometimes I feel just a tad too much. :) Just kidding *Tonight is going to be fun*

All in all...something or some...one has made me unbelievably happy. :) I like it.

Tonight's Proof

He said it and I took it. The feelings aren't there and they never will be. She's good for him, I'm not. I understand. I saw it coming. Well, then why in the hell did I take it this hard? Crying isn't necessary. I take it back...it's definately necessary. It's just not possible at the moment.

I want to cry. Why? Because I need it. I've needed it for too long. Tonight is the proof that I can't get anyone. Tonight is proof that beauty is everything. I am nothing. I am not everything. I am not beauty. She is. He knows it. I know. I hate it. He loves it. He loves her. He doesn't love me. Expected? DUH!

I don't need Happy...it likes you anyways

He doesn't like me. He doesn't like her as much. He doesn't like her either. He won't have her. He wants a girlfriend. I'm done trying.

I've been trying for too long. Now...I'm done. He keeps telling me that he wants a girlfriend (yeah...I ask) but he doesn't like anyone. I'm here, I'm here, I'm HERE! *he turns his head and shakes it as a 'no'* He just doesn't want me. A best friend is all I can be in his life. I'm going to accept it and do my best to help him in his quest to happiness. He wants to find a girlfriend? Sure I'll help him...if he wants me to....because I'm the best friend and that's what I'm supposed to do. That's what I've been trying to do. I'm not the girlfriend. No matter how much I WANTED to be that...it never happned. So on that note, best friends we are...best friends he wants us to stay.

She doesn't know how to make me happy. She doesn't get what I'm trying to say. She says I get mad over her doing anything, talking to anyone. Well I'm here to say this...I don't need happy. Quit worrying about me happy. I'm not mad at you for doing anything. Talk to him all you want. It doesn't make me mad because y'all are friends just like we are. I was just upset that he loved you and not me. And I could see that when y'all talked. That's where my feelings came from. I'm not upset anymore because I'm taking my duties as "Best Friend" and accepting that I can't be "Girlfriend." Set him up with whoever. Even Marcie. Don't feel that you have to hide it from me by deleting text messages. I guess that hurt most of all. The fact that you we're trying to hide it because maybe you felt that it would upset me or piss me off. If you thought it was wrong and you had to hide it...why'd you do it in the first place? Whatever...I'm sure you had a good reason. Besides, it didn't piss me off anyways. Don't worry.


"Be good! Don't be mean to other people or they will hit you on the floor and you will get dirty!"
-Landen Cash Parkes-

The meaning of Perfect

I don't hate him, and I don't hate her. I hate the fact that they are perfect for each other, and I'm in the way. I mean, she won't go out with him because she thinks I'll get mad, she cares about my feelings. Well, I'm hear to tell you DON'T. He's my best friend, and I want him happy. You are what would make him the happiest guy in the world. Yeah, I feel guilty. She's perfect, he's perfect, they're perfect for each other. I don't like standing in the way. The one thing I want in the world is for both of them to be happy. Dating her would light his face up, I'm sure she wouldn't mind dating him either, why do I have to stand in the way of them coming together? Because I suck, that's why.

Why tell people my feelings? Why? To make me feel dumb? I do tell her. Sure, I rarely tell people how I feel, but when I do....it doesn't necessarily make me feel any better. Know why? Because it doesn't get me anywhere. Telling her I hate the fact that he's in love with her doesn't make him like me does it? No. Telling him that I like him doesn't make him go out with me does it? No. Telling someone that I like a guy doesn't get me that guy does it? NO! Actually, all that got me was a red face. Now I'm not a whiz at patterns, but I CAN see that there is a pattern with this whole "Express to Me" thing here. I do it....and it doesn't....get....me...ANYWHERE! I spill my heart to her and I'm STILL in the same old HOLE that I was BEFORE I told ANYTHING! This hole SUCKS and it's really DEEP! And the worst part? I can't get out of it to save my LIFE!

Nothing happned and I didn't expect it to becaus we're best friends, not lovers. Best friends can go to a movie without anything happening, so that's what we did. We went as best friends. Why not lovers? Simply because he wants another best friend. That doesn't bother me one bit. Know why? Because I don't like him anymore......?

Clock: 11:11
Brianne: Hey I can make a wish!
Clock: 11:11
Brianne: Hmm..let's think. I could wish for a pony! I could wish for money! I could even wish for a boyfriend. What to wish for?
Clock: 11:11
Brianne: I wish for a boyfriend.
Clock: HAHA Loser. You suck. Guess what I'm not going to get you?
Brianne: A boyfriend?
Clock: That's RIGHT!
Brianne: Why Mr. Clock? Why can't I have him?
Clock: Because he doesn't want you he wants HER!
Brianne: Oh yeah.
Clock: 11:12

-The moral of the story? I need a new clock.-

Single Life = Good Life?

Merry (late) Christmas everyone
Happy (late) New Year everyone
I hope they were all a blast.


Sure my Christmas was wonderful. Sure my New Year was an absolute ball. I've tried to think of some pretty rocking new year's resolutions....and I have one.

I still think about being with him....but I'm not too sure I "like" him anymore. All of a sudden, after a fun weekend, I saw that I didn't need to be stuck on him because I could survive without him dating me. I have, I am, and I will continue to.

Jason indeed got me a puppy for Christmas....and he now lives in my backyard.

I've tried to make it clear that I am content with this single life. I love talking to him and hanging out with him and what-not....but I just don't want the "tie-downs." Is that an evil thing to say?

I needed this break. It's done some pretty cool things for me. I've been away from people...and it's given me time to stop...think...and decide on many things. Thank you (Christmas?) for giving me that opportunity.

Just last night I gave Ward a big hug...and realized that I don't know what I would have done if.....I mean, that hug got me thinking and I almost broke down. He was so close to......Let's just say I am beyond "thankful." He was touched with a miracle, no doubt.

*I miss my best friend. The house is lonely without you.*


Sorry that this whole thing sucked. Sorry that over the break my heart has become a content black hole and doesn't feel anything anymore. Sorry that I suck and have become a content black hole that doesn't feel anything anymore.

I'm on the Patch

His mind won't change. Of course it won't. His mind is made up, because I'm.....not.....her. Gawlee if you only knew how much I liked him. My mind spins when I think of what he thinks of Me. My stomach turns when I think of all the reasons he doesn't like me. I shudder when I think of me moving on to someone else. I hate this. You....are putting me through this. No.....I'm not blaming you....I'm just saying the subject of you drives me to grab a pillow and blanket and climb in my closet and sleep....and wake up to my parents wondering where I am and my mom bringing her dinner into my room to ask me what could possibly be going on inside this psychotic head of mine. Gosh....I love these times that I will be able to tell my kids.

My step-dad and grandpa just went to New Mexico and my brother is at a friend's house. It's just Me, Mom, and Nana and we are going Christmas shopping tonight and then having a sleep-over. I am such a nerd for being excited about this.

Friendship is a wonderful thing when it's with Sarah Green.

I want to be your friend. I don't want to like you. I want to hold the title of "Best Friend" and that's it. I want you to not feel uncomfortable around me and I want you to come and talk to me about anything (even though you are not a deep thinker). I want that....but I like you.

Christmas is coming up and all I want is peace of mind. Can you give that to me?

I cried the other night because it's all building up and it all finally just came tumbling down. I've been thinking and I've been pondering and I've been deciding and I've been turning the thought of you and everyone else around and around in my head. It was all finally just too much....and I cracked. I want to tell someone everything....

Me and Collin are going to lunch. Peace Out everyone.

Just Another Year Older

What....a....weekend.

Sarah and Adam are probably the best people I will ever meet. I just wanted to, again, thank you guys a million times over for the party. It was the best night ever, and I love you guys so much. I had a person tell me over the weekend that it was hard to find friends like that, and I see now just how true that is. I'm so lucky to have you guys....and I love you. Thanks again....I couldn't have had a better birthday with better people.

The feelings are there. All the things he was doing to her, I only wished he was doing to me, because of the feelings I wish he was feeling. When my family can see that he so obviously likes her, it's sad. When my sister can see that when the flirting starts, it's because he so badly wants to call her "his" it's sad. I can even see it. Quite clearly, I might add. Like for instance, when she jumps in his arms and informs him that he needs to catch her, you can see the light that appears in his eyes because he can hold her. When she runs and jumps onto his back, it's obvious. The obvious is sometimes the worst. In my case, this is obvious, and this is worse. I wish for things so badly, but for the record, this is the one. I treasure the time we spend together, and kick myself for taking the meaningless compliments to heart. I slam my head because of the times that I sit at home, wondering what it would be like if we were together. I pull my hair when I imagine us sharing a kiss. I was going to tell him. I had the nerve and everything. So, as I slid out of the car I was psyching myself up for the moment when I could ask him to tell me. "I want you to say the words 'I don't like you' and it will help." By hearing these words I can move on. (I tell myself that.) I want to accept the fact that there is no chance, and I should be already. Rejection is something I've been "experiencing" for quite awhile now from him, so I should be over it and him and everything else but I'm NOT! I hate myself so bad for it, you have no idea. But I just can't get over the fact that it won't happen. I can't accept it because I'm a STUPID and I can't do it! I beat myself up about it all the time. You're on my mind all the time, but when you are, so is she because you LOVE her! She's beautiful, you love her and I KNOW that. Just tell me. Tell me that I don't stand a chance, you don't like me, no way in hell will you ever. I want to back off. I want to leave you with her. I want you to be happy, and I realize that I'm not the one that can make that all real. So I'm sorry, and I apologize greatly. I've liked you, and I like you, but I need to take a hint. "Best friends" is a wonderful thing to be, and I'm sorry I ever thought of us as more. Or...WANTED us to be thought of as something more. Yeah, it's all clear and it has been. I just need to yank my head out of the clouds and slap myself once more, and realize that I'm not in your head like you are mine. *kick and hit and slap and punch* Brianne, you need to quit.


He's back to normal and I love it. I swear I hugged him 15 million times on Saturday night, and didn't want to let go, for fear of what could happen to him if I did. I can't let go without fear of that being the last time I talk to him. I can't watch him leave without thoughts of "What if....?" going through my head. I love having him back and I love hearing, "Hey Breezeface! Come here so I can pick on you." because that's what I've missed this whole time. He attached a butter knife to a torn off jean pocket and gave it to my brother, telling him he now had a "Pocket Knife." I mean, it's just the little jokes and witty comments that let us know that he is indeed back.....and I couldn't stand to see that taken away from all of us again. I found out the other night that when he was put into the helicopter to be taken to the hospital, the people said that he wouldn't make it to the hospital. I learned that the if the train would have hit him just a couple of inches closer to them....they wouldn't have made it. I mean, my uncle was a couple of INCHES from dying just a few months ago! Tell me that I can let that walk out the door without screaming "I LOVE YOU! BE CAREFUL!" after him. I can't......and I'm not about to start.

Sarah Green and Adam Williford,
You guys have no idea how much you did the other night. You are the best people that ever walked into my life, and I want you to know that I love you. There is no amount to describe how SORRY I am that I cancelled plans last night.....and I've been stuck on that since. It wasn't my fault....but I am SOO sorry. I want to make up for the retardedness that I have because I had y'all waiting all day to finalize all these plans that we supposed to happen. Again, I AM SO SORRY! You throw me a party and then I make plans that never happen. Sorry Sorry Sorry
I do want to thank you guys another time though. That truly was the best night ever. You guys made it happen, and this is why we are best friends.
Sorry and I love you
-Brianne-

P.S.
Sarah, sorry that I called crying and Adam, sorry that I hung up with you BECAUSE I was about to cry.




Don't waste your time looking over your shoulder
Those loves from the past ain't getting no closer
When I look in my future you're all I can see
Don't go loving on nobody but me.

Nobody but me gonna love you like you ought to be loved on
Nobody but me gonna cry if you up and leave
You can do what you want to, But I'm asking pretty please (Honey)
Don't go loving on nobody but me.

I took my time to tell you how I feel
Just because I took so long don't mean that it isn't real
I ain't got no diamond, but I'm down on my knees
Don't go loving on nobody but me.

Nobody but me gonna love you like you ought to be loved on
Nobody but me gonna cry if you up and leave
You can do what you want to, But I'm asking pretty please (Honey)
Don't go loving on nobody but me.

Nobody but me gonna love you like you ought to be loved on
Nobody but me gonna cry if you up and leave
You can do what you want to, But I'm asking pretty please (Honey)
Don't go loving on nobody but me. Don't go loving on nobody but me...

-Blake Shelton-