Black, Blue, Blue and Green

You know.....it's not bad. He doesn't act like he even knows. Or is it just because he doesn't care? Clay asked me out for the second or third time today. I just don't feel like it. I don't have that click with him. Plus....though it is really stupid, I can't go out with someone knowing that I have other feelings for other people. It wouldn't be fair to me, not to mention to Clay. I couldn't go out with him, waste his time, and lead him on.....and then not feel guilty the entire time. I just couldn't bring myself to sink as low as dating someone.....just to get them to stop. I enjoy Clay's company and all.....I just don't know about dating him again. Not with other feelings. Maybe I am being absolutely STUPID about the whole thing. I mean, what if I am throwing away a chance for a relationship to come out of Clay and me......because of the fact that I'm waiting around for something (someone?) that will never happen. But how can I be sure? Simply because of the existance of his feelings for her. Of course.....if not her, probably someone else. It all just works out for the wrong for me. Listen to me........I sound like I have to find the person I want to marry this week. Well, no of course not marriage. I just want to get my priorities straight. Of course....the last time I checked fish didn't have TOO many things to get straight. But what do I know? I still have three months until I figure THAT one out.

Now will it be weird?

Sarah has called him and confirmed my unknown feelings to him. What is his thoughts on this? "I know." Well......I really did see that coming. I mean, I sort of figured he had known, but now that's it's officially thrown up in the air like that.....it's a whole different story. I guess that one thing that really bums me out now is how I look in his eyes now. Am I just someone that has a crush on him? Or am I in his mind a little more now? Maybe I'm in his mind less now, considering he knows how I feel about him now. It's not worth it. These times when I stare off into space and think about what he's doing now, or if he's thinking of me at the same time. Maybe the thing that gets me down is the fact that now it might be awkward. I mean, if I go to one of his parties and there he is, possibly with Sarah, and I'm starring.......wishing it was me sitting by him......thinking about him. Why did I have to go and fall in like with him? Why couldn't I have just left it at "friends" and not have all of this to think about? Well......I guess I got what I asked for then didn't I?
School starts. It's the first day. Friends come and we hug and catch up and laugh about all the upcoming dances and parties and classes to look forward to. Then he walks in. I stop. Will it be different? What will happen this summer that will change the fate of the first day? Of the freshman year? Of high school? Who knows? Maybe nothing will change. Maybe I won't talk to him all summer (I doubt it) and then maybe I will fall out of like with him and it will all go back to normal. Yeah right huh? I have made up my mind about something. I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm going to step up and say...."Yeah! I'm Brianne and I like him." None of this elementary stuff when I hide behind the jungle gym.....hoping he won't see me, yet secretly wishing he will notice me and come and talk to me. No. Sure, maybe I won't stand on the cafeteria tables and announce it to everyone, but if multiple people have put us together....I guess there is no since in hiding my feelings from people on my part. If they know, great. If they don't.....it's Krum.....they will find out. All right, I'm saying this like I'm absolutely sure of my feelings. Well, that's where I'm wrong. Who knows if a crush is what's happening. Maybe I just think it is. MAYBE it's just something that I THINK is there.....yet doesn't exist at all. *Sigh* I have no clue what I'm supposed to do. I know what I'm GOING to do, nonetheless. I'm going to quit making a big deal out of this and I'm going to quit acting like I'm 25 and I've found love. After all......I'm just a fish.

Graduation is all TOO much

I graduated eight grade Thursday night. It was, I must say, an enjoyable experience. I got many comments from my family about how I should get a job in speaking, considering how I got up there, introduced people, and sat back down.....all without getting nervous. Well, I did lose my place at one time, but I didn't make THAT big a deal out of it. But now I think, and I have figured out that Theater Arts class REALLY helped me. I mean, if I can get up ON stage and deliver some 154 lines, then why can't I get up there and read off the paper?
I graduated Thursday, and then go to the high school graduation to see my step-brother, Ryan, graduate. Do you know what was going through my head the whole time? OH MY GOSH! I am NOT going to be able to do this in four years. I just can't leave all my friends behind. I really am going to cry like a baby. I mean, watching them give roses to their parents and hugging long lost friends.....I can't do it. But......I guess I do have awhile to think about that.
I can't wait for Wednesday. My mom is allowing me to go on vacation to Galveston with Sarah. I just hope Sarah still wants me to come. I think it'd be great! But I really do need to get ahold of that chick. So........Much Love

Dear You

Dear You,
I don't think you are aware of my feelings. Maybe you are. Of course....I'm not even sure of the feelings myself. I don't know if I like you, I don't know if I don't.....I don't know anything right not. All I do know is that I feel something for you that I know you don't feel for me. I know how much you like her.....and I know I can't change that. But I just wish I had seen what good I had right in front of my face when it was there. Because now it's gone....and I have a feeling it's never returning. Why? Simply because of the fact that you don't have the same feelings for ME as I do for YOU. Many people say we belong together.....but whether that's the truth or not.....well, we may never find out. No matter how many times I say it....regret will always remain for the time that I could not see how good of a person I had standing right in front of me. I apologize for the stubborn person I was being. I was so hung up on someone else. I really wish I would have known how it was all going to end up.....because if I had known I might have made some different choices. But I guess we all make mistakes. Well....I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time. I guess I will talk to you sometime in the future.
Sincerely,
Brianne

Nosy teachers with bad style

Well today I found out my punishment for the misuse of the school network. I now have TWO detentions AND have to write a 5 page essay about the issues of the use of computers and BLAH BLAH BLAH! But hey! it certainly is better than ISS or suspension, which we could have EASILY gotten. All of this UPROAR just for being smart enough to figure out a way to have a type of e-mail on our account at school. Things were said that shouldn't been and they were seen by a sub that printed a copy and gave it to Mrs. Brown...resulting in bad things. I did tell my mom though (got that over with) and she thought it was all blown out of proportion and it was stupid. *Whew*
Tomorrow at about 2:00 we pull out and head to Wichita Falls. I am SO excited! I want to go and be with people that aren't STUPID and who don't JUDGE me OR call me freaking JEALOUS! It will be a nice break is all I can say.
Sarah Camp I apologize GREATLY about the "Amber and Seth" sign I mentioned. I really meant nothing by it. I think you and Seth are GREAT! and I really didn't mean anything by it. Just wanted to clear that up. I had SO much fun with you guys and I wish Seth would graduate EVERY weekend. You need to take that up with him and see if he will go back to college...but get another diploma every weekend. Man wouldn't THAT be fun?
Clay came over the other day after I got home and I can truthfully say that nothing happened. We hung out and stole dice from each other. That was about it....but I still had fun talking to him in person.....considering how long its been since we have seen each other in person. But I had fun nonetheless.
Mr. You-are-jealous has still not sent me an e-mail back. In my eyes.....he was mad about what was said. Though there was nothing said that deserved angry reactions.....you know him. Well....I have a long trip ahead of me tomorrow (I know....and hour and a half is SUCH torture.) so I will leave YOU to read between the lines.....

Fruit Snacks and Fake Dreams

He thinks I'm jealous. I write him an e-mail telling him how happy I am that him and Brittany are going out and he considers me jealous. Why hasn't he been talking to me or e-mailing me back? Jealousy comes into play there too. But why should I care what he thinks right? Well....I believe it was just the sudden STOP of contact....and then the new girlfriend that I'm supposedly jealous of. But maybe that shouldn't be an issue. Maybe I am jealous that he moved on so fast....that he dropped me and picked up the next girl that came along. I know I don't deserve that kind of treatment. Or do I? Is that just me being self-centered? Thinking that I don't deserve anything but the best? Well.....I don't think so. But hey! what do I know these days?
Clay called sometime this weekend and said he got my letter. For this I am glad....knowing he has received many of my feelings on him and Jackie. Sure....he might not get what I am trying to say....but I'm sure when we talk today (if he calls because I have lost his number and therefore he can't receive a call from me) we will be able to figure a lot of this stuff out.
Sarah was GREAT enough to drag me along to Oklahoma with her and her family to see Seth graduate college. I had an awesome time. The trip consisted of getting pulled over by the cops, not finding gorillas, really good bread, a midnight trip to Burger King, having a burnt bug thrown in my lap, and discovering a sign that Seth and Amber should be together. I would definitely say the trip was a successful one....
I talked to Robert this weekend like I haven't done in a LOOONG time. It was one of the best times I've ever had with him. We didn't talk much about relationships and love.....we just acted crazy and fun. It was great in my eyes. Just thought you'd like to know.....