Catholic "Love?"

He doesn’t like me, never will, I have realized that, I give up. Plus, I have found someone that Marcie thinks I actually have a chance with. See, but that sounds so snobby. “He doesn’t like me so now I so don’t like him anymore and I’m moving on.” No. That’s not how it is at all. All I’m trying to say is that I’ve tried for awhile now and nothing surfaced, so I decided to try and make my feelings…..go away.
This new guy is absolutely perfect. I mean, I seriously get a feeling inside every time I think about him. I actually want to cry because I’m not with him. I mean, all the things he does. His smile, his hugs, his personality, his sense of caring……he’s perfect. This all sounds so mushy-gushy, but I really do like him. If this will ever work out or not I’m not sure, but man-oh-man I’ve never crossed my fingers so hard. I hate to say all this because I’ve seriously only known this guy one week, but if Sarah can love a guy she doesn’t know…..so can I. (I love you Sarah. Nothing mean intended.) I hate being like this, going for guys out of my league and taking all the small things as a sign, but I just want……..*sigh* My love life is being flushed down the drain and I think I might jump down there with it.
“Oh…..you mean the guy that’s in love with you? Yeah….I know him.”
Thanks Marcie, but I don’t think he’s in love with me. He hugs and talks to Sarah too, so I’m taking it as a sign of “just friends.” After all, some guys are…….nice. *shocked intake of breath* Yeah I know.

He’s only the best I’ve ever seen. What’s wrong with loving with him?

I absolutely DREAD people reading this because I'm being so flippin' dramatic, but I'm going to give it a shot anyways. *sigh* Good luck Brianne.

A "Beautiful" World

So I pass him in the halls. He looks, but doesn't speak. That's okay. I don't expect anything. Two classes is all. But neither count because one we don't talk, just play. The other one he doesn't sit by me, so we don't talk. Which, you know, is always good. I think I am starting to get over him? I want to, because I hate blowing my life away. It's not like he notices my not t-shirts anyways. But, it's kind of pathetic that every morning I get all dressed up, all the while thinking, "Hmmm, maybe today he will notice me and think of me in a whole different way." But of course, it never happens. And I know that, which makes the whole situation so pathetic. But she's here now. And so now he has something beautiful and perfect to look at. Which, you know, is even better. And what with prom and everything, it's so nice to see all the pretty people get asked by older guys, while I just sit there and have comments about my oh so obvoius fattness thrown at me. Ahh....it's a beautiful world.


I know I sound like I'm the only one in this world with problems. Well, just to clear it up, that's not what I mean at all. I just need a place to put everything down and get what I'm feeling out. And, what better place to do it then on the World Wide Web, where everyone can point fingers and laugh? Ha Ha Ha

So now Jason likes her. I saw it coming I really did. It didn't surprise me at all, just made me feel stupid that I ACTUALLY thought a guy besides Clay could like me. HA! Where did I go so wrong?

Of course....everyone was better. Me? Same.

Well, I must say that I am more at ease about starting school. I know where all my classes are and all that good stuff. So now, I have seen most everyone. No, nothing has changed. Chloe, Sunny, Kristen and Chelsi are still popular and beautiful. Chloe Thomas is still one that everyone loves. Me and Marcie are still good friends and will remain good friends till the grave. Sarah is here now. She is going to go to school. That's good. And yes, everyone still loves Sarah. :) You know, I'm kind of excited to go back. Though, it's only because I have nothing to do otherwise. I wish I had some really good reason, like it's been forever since I've seen my boyfriend, or that now I get to see all my friends, but that's not it. Why? Simply because you must have something in order to want to go back to it. "Brianne is that a hint of jealousy in your voice?"........Yeah, I guess. Sure, it's a sin to be jealous of something you don't have.....but sometimes there are exceptions. Hmmmm......
You know what I want to do? Look good the first day of school and have him gaze, wishing I was in his arms.
You know what's not gonna happen?...........


Give up on him.
Sometimes things don't work out on your part.
He doesn't like you!
He never will like you.
He's stuck on her, and I just can't compete.
*Sigh*

....If only. I hate "if only" but......if only I were in his heart, and he looked at me with the thought of, "Man. I wish she were mine."

I need a good self-esteem boost. I hear self-esteem is a turn-on for guys. *Smacks my head* Well, DUH. No wonder!

Happiness....So Far Away

My two week trip to League City was great, thanks for asking.

I told him. Stef made me, but I told him nonetheless. He didn't care, nor did it do anything but make a fool out of me. I felt like a fool, I said foolish things, he thought I was a fool, so I guess I'm a downright fool. Why I did that? Because I had the wishful thinking of a fool. I was in my own little world where when you decide to take action on any subject at all, you always get positive results. Might I add that the population of that world is one, and that one person is a fool.
But I tell him, and then I leave. For two weeks. What happens when I come back? He has a girlfriend, and he has plans to move to Sanger. WOO HOO! Way to take it on home Brianne! *Note to self.....Never tell anyone anything. It only brings bad things.* So then my dumb mode kicks itself into HYPER-DRIVE! You know what I do? Yes, I cry. I call my mom and say the words, "........is moving to Sanger." and the tears are there. Might I add that they were streaming and I had a dumb face? So I then sit in my room and think, and cry. I'M SO DUMB! I then call Stef and tell her that I cracked. Well....I "THOUGHT" I was all calmed down. But as soon as I say, "I cracked" they come again. I'm crying and she's telling me she's coming to my house. So then I'm calm because she does that to me. But.....as fate has it in for me.....my sister calls. I'm guessing she heard tears in my voice because she's wanting to know what's wrong. I mention the word "Sanger" yet again and yes......crying. I then mentally smack myself in the head and then step on my own foot for being a big, stupid, retarded, queer faced, BABY! Of course, he doesn't know this. I'm sure he will, but he doesn't yet. Of course not! He would absolutely HATE me more than he does already. Why? Because it's only cute when girls cry for you.....when you like them. Being as there is a puzzle piece missing there, he won't think it's very cute. He'll just think I'm an obsessive asshole and never tell me anything again for fear of the waterworks.
I used to not cry over anything. Now I cry when a friend informs me he's moving away. Something is definitely wrong. Is it the attraction? Well, no because I'm kinda sorta trying to quit that. I hate wasting my time on freaking people that don't want to be with me. It seems that's all I do now. Like guys that don't like me. But I do have a theory to that. You see, I haven't found a guy lately that does like me, so I'm thinking I just need to quit expressing my feelings to anyone. That way there is no embarrassment when you find out they have no feelings whatsoever for you. I've got this all wrapped up......

I wish my happiness were just a hop, skip and a jump away......But I'm also going for a guy that I shall never have. Things never work out for the better.....