Sarah's Day

Happy Birthday to YOU!
Happy Birthday to YOU!
Happy Birthday to Sarah Elizabeth Green.......
Happy Birthday to YOU!

I love you Sarah. May all your birthday wishes come true......


*Yeah I wished you Happy Birthday yesterday....but that wasn't your birthday and I decided that you deserved your own post. I love you Sarah Green. I have news that I have to tell you tonight. Don't even forget to remind me. I love you big sister!*

Haltom VS Raiders

Envy is my middle name. Just call me Brianne ENVY Gulley. I swear, jealously is all my life is about these days. If someone freaking gets a boyfriend I'm jealous, new clothes I'm jealous, a CELL PHONE and I'm instantly jealous. All I do is compare myself with other people and think of ways to put myself down because I'm not as good as they are. AND I HATE THAT! My self-esteem is no doubt a negative number and that's just a turn-OFF for guys. (Brianne why don't you have a boyfriend?) Simply because I can't be happy with anyone else if I can't be happy with myself.

The game....was great. It was so much fun. Plus, it was a first for me.....and I loved it. Jason was treating me like no other guy has THOUGHT to treat me. I mean, doors were being opened, hands were being offered when stepping down......jackets were being given and shared.....I had a lot of fun....and I've realized what a terrific guy he is. Thanks Jason.....for making me feel like I mattered.

I saw him. I traveled with my aunt and my cousin and we walked into Baylor Rehab and we rode up to floor three and we turned a right, and then another right. We stepped through the doorway....and there he was. I almost cried. I missed him so much. I want him back. He knew who I was....he called me Breezy and he tickled my stomach and he wondered about family and he hugged me......I love him you guys...and I miss him. He was fine. His mind clicked on Monday and he's great. He's bored and he's sorry he was rude to Alesha. He put his arm around me and I told him that I had lost approximately 7 pounds and he asked if I was still on that one diet. If I was STILL.....he remembered!! That was his memory kicking in...and he remembered. I almost broke down because I wanted him....back here with us. I miss him. His head has scars, he's pale, he's skinny....he's Ward. I love you Ward. Yeah, you're getting better, and I am so proud of you. Your family is behind you.....your home is waiting....we're waiting.

I like him he doesn't like me he likes her. Case closed. It's not happening...move on. If he can you can. He cleared that up on his blog and I'm glad. Yeah.....loser IS the right word. Slap it on my name tag. If I must say so myself I am working up quite a title. Loser Envy Gulley. What a mouthful.

Sunday, October 30, 2005- Sarah Elizabeth Green turns fifteen and possesses a cell phone.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday dear Sarah Green whom I looooove.
Happy Birthday to you.

*Happy Birthday Sarah....tomorrow. I love you.*

This is Loser Envy Gulley signing out. If you need me call my house....there's no other way. Except for my G-ma's house and you can't call there because we're having family time and I'm a loser for liking it.

Madagascar birthday parties

People say we're married, we're meant to be, we're perfect, we look good together, the feelings are there....why do these comments bother me so much? Because when I hear them, all I want is for it all to just be true. I wish the feelings were there so we could be together and realize we're meant to be and so we could get married. Marriage is a long way off sure, but a relationship could happen now. No, Brianne, it couldn't. I guess I could understand though. My feelings for him are strong, but so are his for her. You see, me wanting him to stop liking her is like someone asking me to quit liking him. The feelings are strong and they exist and you can't just dispose of them.....someone better just has to come along and take your feelings away. Well, that's not going to happen on his part because there is no one better.....so I guess I will just have to let it happen on mine. I wish he wasn't so hard to look away from, to turn my head and forget about anything more than friends ever happening. I wish.....

I learned a lot of information last night. Shocking and awakening.....and so I cried.

Friday October 21st 2005- Landen Cash Parkes turns three years old.
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Landen......
Happy birthday to you!

He didn't pull away when I did it, but that look on his face was deadly. His face said it all. "Let go or I'm going to hit you. I don't like you, I like her." But we were all doing it, and once you realized that you relaxed. But, for that split moment you thought I was trying to get close to you, I think you wanted no more than to yank away and run down the stairs. I hate to say it, but I wished that we weren't all just doing it for a friendly gesture. I wish that you and me were together, and that "gesture" was really us just being a sweet, loving, Together couple.....but I don't want to be second.

-I talked to your wife last night and realized just how badly you need this place. "He has a chance to get 100% better at this one, because it is six straight hours of therapy." Did you hear that? 100% better. You don't think anything is wrong with you though, and you just want to come home. I can sympathize, but dang it Ward you need this. We all miss with you with all our hearts and we just want this nightmare to end. Hopefully it will work out, and you better remember that we are thinking about you all the time so don't even doubt your loving family for a minute. Your personality is nothing like it used to be, and that kills me inside because the old you wasn't hurt and confused. You will always be my uncle.....whether you are the old or the new. I love you....don't you dare forget it.-

I love how random this post just was. It just goes to show you just how "structured" my mind really is these days.

Sarah's Birthday- 7 days
Brianne's Birthday- 28 days

What? A surprise party? OK!

Karma

I've realized that I'm just as bad as I thought he was. I think that the fact that he comments on how badly he needs a girlfriend, but won't date the one right in front of him was a contradicting, dumb thing to do. But, I'm doing the same thing. Here's a time that I keep saying that I want a boyfriend and I have this guy that I could be going out with. But, I'm still hung up on him. WHY? Rejection usually drives people away. But, I'm just dumb like that. So I've just contradicted myself. Which is exactly what I wanted to hit him for doing. I'm so confused I don't even know what I want anymore. I want so many things that aren't going to happen that I can't see what could be happening. So, anymore complaining and you can just tell me to shut up because I'm bringing this onto myself. Whatever I moan about, it's my fault. Which, you know, is why I find blogging pointless. I might just retire. Perhaps good things will happen if I shut my eyes. Like a good friend once said, "Good things might happen if you let them."

I'm your worst nightmare

Brianne Peyton Gulley:

B-believes guys are dumb

R-rushes too much

I-is tired of being alone

A-asks for too much

N-never happy with anything

N-needs something in this life

E-eager for something to work out

P-pretty sure losing weight is hopeless

E-enjoys sneezing

Y-yells too much

T-talks too much

O-opens doors for people

N-never likes a dull moment

G-gets weird looks

U-undeniably unique

L-looks funny in dresses

L-loves to run around

E-excited to go somewhere

Y-your mom's favorite

Brianne Peyton Gulley is no doubt a mixed up chick.

A long Journey ending with Discovery

I can't like him. I don't and I can't. He stated, not directly to me, that he loved me just as a friend. You know what? Now I feel so stupid it's unreal. I've wasted so much time tryine to look "acceptable" to him and the entire time I didn't get a step closer. That's where the RUSH of stupidity walks in. So that's it. Feelings have got to disappear, and so that's my next step. I dont' like him, I can't.....that's it. I'm tired of being dumb, so this is it.
Thanks a lot for your time. Sorry I was a burden.

Tornado Face strikes again

I've realized how much I like spending time with him. I like his company, and I love the way we seem to get along. I'm not sure if he thinks so too or not, but I do. I think we have things in common and can laugh at the greatest things. But, none of that matters because I can't ever write about how much I love him and how much I love being "with" him. You know, maybe I should just shove this "fantasy" of mine into the dirt and just love being a best friend. I need to learn that it's never going to develop and grow into a relationship, so I should treasure the time I have with him, being a best friend. So, I guess that's the plan. Give up on all the "chances" of finding a great guy that will....be great. But hey, maybe one day I WILL find someone...and I WILL love him....and....he will love me? But obviously....that's not the guy I've "got my eye on" right now. Whether or not that's a good thing or not....who knows right now? I guess ALL I can do is wait it out and see. But...I despise waiting. That's all I seem to be doing these days....waiting. I wait for the right guy...I wait for this "wideness" to go away....I wait for my best friend in the world just to Talk, and I must say that's the hardest of all.

I read this, and realize that I write the same things over and over again. And these repetitious visual thoughts are just on-going complaining. That's all I seem to be doing these days. But, I have come to a conclusion about this problem of mine. If I don't write or blog or express my feelings any way again....people won't have to put up with it. So in a way....I guess keeping to yourself has it's "positive" outcomes.

Dear Ward,
I just wanted to let you know that I still think about you all the time. I've heard updates...heck I still crave them.....and I know you're progressing a few steps at a time, and I guess that's better then taking turns for the worst. So, I guess I just want to say that I'm thinking of you, and I'm still trying to help you out in any way I can....what with Landen and Alesha. I hear Rex is out, and I'm happy for his family. But, at the same time, I can't help but consider that unfair. Why can't you be out already? Why did you have to be thrown onto the tracks and end up with head injuries? WHY? I want you back, but I don't want to be selfish. Anyways, I'm glad Rex is ok, and I'm happy you're getting better. I love you. Don't give up.
Your Best Friend
-Tornado Face-

P.S. I had a dream about you. We were at Nana's house and you were there. You were no different than before, but we were all telling you how glad we were that you were back and alright. You were being your well-humored, sarcastic self and I wanted to cry because of the rush of happiness I felt because I had you back. WE....had you back. All I want is for that dream to turn reality. Get Well Soon.....I love you.

I take a breath and think about what I just wrote. Complaining is just something I do best.