Dive Bomb Away......if Only

Six Flags. *sigh* What a depressing place. All you see there are couples. They hug, they kiss, and they hold onto each other like they haven't another care in the world. And I sigh because none, none, NONE of that can play a part in my life. Why? Because I'm too chicken to step up and tell him how I feel. Well sure, he reads this so I KNOW he knows that I like him. But I don't know if it's the same as walking up and letting it all pour out. "I really need a girlfriend." He says that, and I want to shake him, tell him that I'm sitting right in front of him, sitting here thinking "If only...." But no, he doesn't get that. He doesn't think of me in that way. We are only friends, and it seems it's going to stay that way. *sigh* If only.....
The ride home was so....confusing. The night before this, I have it all planned out. Sit next to him the whole way back, it's dark, we're tired, I casually lay my head on his shoulder, feel his skin brush against mine everytime we hit a bump. Well....."Why can't anything ever be as it seems?" I don't know. I lay my head on the seat, so close to his shoulder.....then he lets me lay it there. My head sits there, right on his cool skin, wanting that moment to last a lifetime. But then he sits up. This happens again. Well then.....should I keep going for his shoulder, or just sit up, wake-up? Finally he sits up for good, and I wish I could be anywhere but there. Why was I so stupid as to think that he actually wanted me there, close to him, taking it all in? I'll tell you why. Because I'm trying to make something happen that doesn't want to happen, and all of this is my punishment. Well if I must say so.....this is worst than the timeout corner.
He calls. I want to cry at the sound of his voice because I can't let the phone ring, pick it up and say, "Hold on. That's my boyfriend."

This is Bananas

Happy Fourth of July Brianne.

Well....as much as I hate to say so, I don't think his feelings changed just from a dare. Sure it definitely was a first for me, who knows if he thought of it in the same way I did. Like a good friend once said, "Guys are deeper than we give them credit for." but I just don't know if one simple kiss and one night of fireworks, food and fun can change feelings that haven't existed in awhile. I still think his mind wonders to another girl, one that I can't compare to. Who knows what he thought of it? He says he liked it, but I was sitting right there, and I would like to think he would be polite enough to say good things while I was in the presence of the guy. Sure, it was a truth question, but who REALLY tells the truth on those? It was so hard being with him, while wishing I was really "with" him. To sit there and watch the fireworks, kiss him, talk with him, the whole time thinking that he wasn't thinking of me in the same way I was him. It was hard, and I admit it. He mentioned a couple of times how unattractive he was and how he couldn't get a chick, and Sarah stepping up and telling him he COULD if he wanted to, with him arguing back that he couldn't. Well, obviously if he knows that I like him and he still says he couldn't have a girlfriend, then he meant that he couldn't get someone that he wanted to date. So, I'm kind of thinking that was the sign that, since I was sitting right there, and he said he doesn't think he has anyone on the mind, then he was telling me he didn't like me. Well, I guess I just need to take a hint. I really am trying to stop liking him, considering I'm just waiting around. But for some reason I just......

Sarah, I guess I should be thanking you for what happened last night. In my opinion it was a good thing, but who knows what he thought of it? I must say, I'm glad I discovered that you were willing to go one extra mile, just for me. For that, I love you. Thanks a lot for trying, trying and trying again to make it happen. You sure are one determined Princess.

So anyways, Happy Fourth Brianne. The night just complicated it more.

Take a good look at this smile. It will be awhile before it's the same again. Actually, for many reasons than known to certain people.