Bedknobs and Broomsticks instead

So I've missed yet another chance to go and hang out with all the cool people I know. Another chance to present myself, to go out on a limb and do something drastic, something that would make him stop......stare.....shake his head......and go on. Yeah, that would kind of get me nowhere. But see, that just goes to show that no matter what I do, how I dress, how I do ANYTHING......he doesn't notice the slightest bit, because she is still there, looking as best as ever. You know, I hate to just give up. But, he doesn't like me at all, at all, at all. He LOVES her. I can't just fix my hair and glob some make-up on and make his head turn my way, away from her and herself. You know, this would be a whole different story if I couldn't see why in the heck he liked (loved) this other girl instead of me. But I do see why, so this isn't a different story. I can see exactly why he likes her instead, so that makes it that much harder. I hate wallowing in my own pity, but I have no one that I can talk to that won't tell me to shut up because they're tired of me complaining.....so I must resort to this. Sorry if you're reading this......I know I am one sorry sack of potatoes.

Like a "good friend" once said, "A dream is a wish your heart makes." Well....you were in my dream last night. I dreamt that me and Marcie decided to load up and come to your party. You and Ross were the only ones there. I liked this fact, because in the dream we were somewhat together.....or at least......you liked me anyways (I know.....it's only a dream). In the dream, your party was just a split second of the whole thing. We were just there, together, and I enjoyed it. But then, another part came up, and I was in the street of a nice, homey block of apartments with some kids, and we were singing. Somehow, the words of the song were about the death of my great-grandma, and I was crying.....and then I woke up with a tense feeling in my shoulder and the feeling of complete sorrow. It's a great feeling.

Dear You,
She said that no change is a bad sign. I wondered why, because that meant you weren't getting any worse. But then, that also meant you weren't getting any better. I want to cry so terribly bad, because I miss you horribly. You've been like this for awhile, just getting agitated. I hate to hear about it, but I thrive for updates. I have to know how long this nightmare process is going to take. You don't understand how much I think about you. You are constantly on my mind. I'm thinking about how just the weekend before this happened, you taught me to skip rocks and we laughed at the funniest volleyball game we've ever seen. This is just a shock, a slap in the face. I want you back so bad. I miss you.....I love you. Landen and Alesha miss you too. We all miss your stupid sense of humor. Stupid, but what I looked forward to whenever we met each other. You told me that if I married Grins-a-lot you and Josh wouldn't have as much fun laughing at volleyball because I would be out there playing with them. Then you told me that y'all would miss me skipping rocks and you would say, "Sure wish Breezy were here.".....Ward, you don't understand how much that comment meant to me, to know that if I left, the party would be over and you would miss me. I loved that, to know that I meant something to you. I miss you Ward, and I want you back. Please, get better soon. I love you so much, and I want you here with us. I want you to see your son turn three......I want this over. But.....who knows. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know all of this. I'm going to start praying for you, no matter how "silly" I feel. I really want you better. I miss you and I love you.....a bunch.
-Tornado Face-

Baylor Hospital, Room 428

I really do still want to be with him. He's on my mind a lot, and I hate to even begin to admit it. I am sorry I missed the party, but as I've written before, I think it would've made it that much harder. I mean, going and seeing him hanging around her, admiring her for all he's got, and me sitting there in envy......envy of what I wish I could have. I know it's not even good to be jealous of people, but all I ask is this one guy, and I can't even begin to get that request. I ask for a look, a hug, a relationship.......but he's got someone. Unfortunately, I can't say that person is me. But that's ok, because I tend to cover that up well. I mean, I'm not all over him constantly, telling him that I love him and I want to be with him. No. That wouldn't be the Brianne thing to do. Nope.....I just sit pathetically at the computer and type my feelings for him (because that's so much better). You know, I just ask for a guy that treats me right and wants to be with me. I realize now that that sort of thing is in high demand these days. It's almost impossible to get one. Especially when you aren't a beautiful person that just glows with confidence and makes the room go silent when they walk in. Yeah......what someone wouldn't give to be considered pretty.....

I got a lump in my throat the other day thinking about you. Stuff like this doesn't happen everyday, and it's still a shock that it happened to you. I want to cry when I even think of what you look like. I can't believe it. It's all just one big slap in the face. I want the old you back. I want to sit at the table in the motor home and laugh at Grins-a-lot, Freeze-Frame, Black-head, and all our other volleyball friends we enjoyed that day. I hate this. Why did this have to happen to you? WHY?! I miss you so much. Anyways, I just hope you get better. Really. The lump in my throat just got bigger, but I have to be strong for your son. Don't worry about him and Alesha. We're taking good care of them until you get better. I'll give everyone a hug for you. I just wanted to let you know that I will always love you, and I miss you like no other. Please get better soon.....the family is nothing without you. I love you so much.....
-Brianne-

Get me a life while you're up.

I read his new blog entry. It is now official that he will never like me again, because she's there. He loves her, not me. So why do I keep trying? Why do I constantly sit here and take this beating. Besides, I thought I was over him.....? *buzzer sounds* WROOONG! I don't even know why I tend to like him. Is it because I actually thought I had a chance with him? Well, that obviously can't be now because I have NO chance with him. I mean, it's just a tad hard having a best friend that is loved and adored by the guy of your thoughts and wonders. But I guess whichever way the wind blows, you have to go with it. woo hoo
I hate beating myself up about this. I hate it. I hate the fact that whenever I hear something lovely he comes to mind, and I think about us spending that time together. But hey, none of that comes into play when his mind is set on cruise control for that one girl. I LOVE being the wrong end of the stick. I LOVE just being the best friend. I LOVE being asked everyday where she is, even though she's just been gone a day. I LOVE it. Man oh man, that is the life.
Well, this is just a tad stupid considering I'm just complaining about my dumb life. I mean, nothing just Tragic is happening, and I should be quite thankful. And I am, I'm just getting caught up in the things that just don't matter. That's all my life it is. My life just doesn't' matter. Which, you know, is always good.

I drove my grandparents motor home about two feet today. I about threw everyone across the dash when I stopped, but I was just wonderful.

*I want to be beautiful for you.*

I need to get a life. This whole thing is downright pathetic. Sarah, I do it for you.




*It's September 11th. God Bless Everyone*

I'd like an order of love please.

So he has a girlfriend. You know, I really didn't expect any less than that. I mean, look at the situation. He's a cute, smart, athletic guy who happens to share my religion and actually associates with me on a daily basis. You didn't REALLY think it was going to work out did you? I mean, it's me you're talking about. Brianne, the girl that has no sign of anything good coming her way whatsoever. So again, I really saw something bad coming into the picture. I'm kind of used to it, considering I've grown kind of attached to this lifestyle. Not because I want to, but because I have to. So here I am, waking up every morning, reaching for that mask that I know will be there because it has been for a while now, putting it on, walking out the door, and living my life the only way I know how. Living it to please other people because pleasing myself just wasn't cutting it. But does it bother me? Well yeah, but no one knows that because I have a wall. A concrete wall if you must, that no one has come through yet. Why DO I put up a wall. Well, simply because if I live through someone else, then when I get hurt, pushed away, or heartbroken......then it won't be me feeling it. It will be that other person. To tell you the truth, that "other person" hasn't been working because lately, I've been getting hurt.......and I can guarantee you that I've felt every stab of it.

To sum up just about everything I've just said......no one likes me, I've come to realize it, and it's starting to get to me.